I have been so busy over the last couple of weeks, with preparations for Christmas, school concerts and end of term activities, that I have not had the time to sit down for a minute, let alone write my blog.
I had my first Christmas Day without the kids, which upset me deeply, but unfortunately, a friend had her own crisis to deal with, which put it into perspective.
The kids came home on Boxing Day, we were joined by their grandparents and a couple of my friends (who they are very fond of) and we had a great day. And now, it’s New Year’s Eve.
I have never been a big one for New Year’s celebrations, but I have to admit that this year, for the first time in a very long while, I actually feel really positive. OK – quite positive. I mean, not leaping around whooping for joy, but a ‘looking forward’ type of feeling.
This time last year, I had moved house, spent several months with builders creating chaos in every room, but still waiting for the final stage of my divorce. It was very unsettling for me and the kids and I was struggling to cope.
This year I start fresh as a single woman. A mother of two fabulous children. The buck may stop with me, but I also get to call the shots.
I feel a sense of ‘lightness’. I have no man, or even the possibility of a man, on the scene – and I’m OK with it.
Don’t get me wrong. I would dearly love to meet someone, but for the first time in my adult life, I feel stable and happy being by myself. I have learnt to enjoy my own company a little better and to be a bit kinder to myself.
And so tonight, I’m taking the kids to a friend’s house. There will be a load of kids there, and I won’t know any adults except for the hosts. And again – I’m OK with that. At the beginning, I found it so hard to go out by myself, having been institutionalised by a 20 year relationship. But now… I’m looking forward to getting dressed up and going out.
To get to this point has taken me almost three years.
At the beginning, when I left my husband and the terror set in, I never imagined that I would be as at peace with myself as I am now.
For anyone out there going through the trauma of divorce – or any other trauma for that matter - you have my deepest sympathy. Divorce is very like bereavement, it has stages, and the healing takes time. But finally, you get to a point where suddenly, things don’t seem so bad any more and you can actually have fun.
Hang on in there. Be strong. And have the best possible 2012.